dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
