Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
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Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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