what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
