i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
