Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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