dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
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I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
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"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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