I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
