Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
