I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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