it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
