I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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