somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
