Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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