Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
