the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
