i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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