I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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