I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize