basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
