my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
