And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
