I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
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The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
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You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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