Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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