The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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