I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
