i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
