I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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