It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
