enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
