I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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