I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
