Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
