so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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