Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
