Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
