Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
