I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize
