oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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