My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
They are going to name an STD after you.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
