I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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