I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
