Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
