I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
