I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
