My friends, they love my intelligence
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
false alarm, still single
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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