My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
