i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
