On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Life is so much better after having sex.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
