Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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