are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
