I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
