If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Sober January is a disaster.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
