Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
