Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
